I was once asked the question… “Do you play the role of parent, or friend to your child?”
My response was that I try and be both…
A child changes your life
Being a parent, guardian or caregiver is difficult. No one can really prepare you for that life-changing moment, no matter how old you are, when you first become one.
That split second when your life gets turned upside down and back to front and suddenly, everything changes. I’m certainly not an expert, and would never claim to be one, but I am trying to be a good dad.
Keen to do my best from the get-go, I read books on how to raise a child, to help me try and navigate the different phases of development and conflict. I spoke to various people about their experiences, all to try and get it right.
But I soon discovered that each child is different, there was no magic wand… and it’s tough.
Parenting and friendship, the crossover
It was when I began looking up what attributes make a good parent that I discovered many replicated those you might also look for in a friend.
Things like:
Patience
Supportive
Dependable
Trustworthy
Honest
Encouraging
Yes, a parent also needs to:
Show love and affection
Be firm and fair
Be consistent
Able to set limits
Teach responsibility and,
Many other things
But it got me thinking.
How can I change the future if I am always looking in the rearview mirror?
My initial thought process had focused solely on what a book would classify as being a good parent. I found this to be quite prescriptive and fell into the category of ‘what I should be’, and not, ‘what I could be’.
In addition, all the people I spoke to had differing thoughts and made me conclude that there is simply, no perfect solution…
Of course, history, experience, and other people’s guidance are things we reflect on and will continue to form the basis of many future decisions we will make but, it is still the past. What if you want to change the future?
The world has changed, and will continue to do so
I grew up in a world of a tv with 4 channels and children’s content only shown at certain times of the day. There were no mobile phones, laptops, tablets, and where the most offensive weapon I would ever dream of carrying was a stick.
What could I possibly know about growing up in today’s ever-changing landscape? Most of the experiences and boundaries I had to work within when I was a child are no longer relevant.
If history teaches us anything, it should show us that it doesn’t need to repeat itself. One’s past therefore, doesn’t have to be reflected in a child’s future…
Children are not born with a vision of what the world was, is, or should be, they develop these views from the environment they are exposed to as they grow. So, for me to be able to try and guide a child in the world that they will grow up in, and not the one I did, I, too, need to learn.
And this is where friendship comes in handy
Children actively seek friendship
How could I understand the difficulties (or what they believe to be difficulties) of growing up in the modern world without hearing their perspective, and adapting to change myself?
Today’s children are exposed to so much noise around them, about everything, and it’s difficult to control their activities with so many options at their disposal.
Yes, I could play the helicopter parent and micro-manage everything, but I personally feel this may create an increasingly negative environment as my child gets older.
For context, how many people, when they were younger, were consistently told by their parents that they couldn’t do something but did it anyway? Being told ‘No’ gave that feeling of intrigue, a sense of ‘why not?’ and ‘what are you going to do about it If I do?’
Flip it around and ask, ‘if a friend said no to something, would you do it anyway?’ My guess is that the answer is likely to be different on most occasions.
Children want to be liked; they actively seek friendship and are drawn to each other like magnets. How long does it take a child to respond to the presence of another and just start playing together?
Parental friendship
This isn’t about creating playtime, although in their early years this is how they learn the most, but I want my child to be able to come to me as a friend and share their emotions openly, in a manner they understand. It is then my job, as a parent, to try and decipher their feelings so that I can provide the support they need.
Afterall, they say you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your parents. I want my child to grow up feeling that they can come to me, about anything, and we can work things through together.
For this to happen, I need to be mindful of the environment around them, through their eyes, not my own. They need to live their own life and not be a mirror image of my own.
We may not agree all the time, but I do need to listen to their thoughts, provide a safe space for them to confidently express themselves and the freedom to have an opinion. In return, I get a better view of what they are really thinking and can seek to add some perspective in a parental but friendly manner.
We are only human
Yes, there are boundaries and sometimes I do have to be the authoritative parent figure that has to step in to address these when they are overstepped. However, I would like to think that I may also be that friend my child would turn to when they need someone or is having difficulties.
In my opinion, there is no perfect answer, if there was, everyone would want to bottle it, and someone would make a fortune. I am certainly not ashamed to say that I get it wrong quite often, but I keep trying to be better.
They may not understand something I say, I might miss an emotional clue or fail to spot a sign they just want to spend some time together. But I am only human.
Being a parent is hard, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, all I try to do is give a foundation for my child through love, care and guidance, in a safe environment to learn from mistakes and create their own opinions. However, I also try to be that shoulder they turn to, like a friend, when they just want to vent or be listened to.
David Armitage is the author of ‘Connor the Cornflake’, ‘The Adventures of Connor and Sparky’ and ‘Olly the Octopus’ Underwater Orchestra’. As well as his day job, David is also a volunteer youth football (soccer) coach.