If Time Were Not a Thing

They lay wrapped in each other's arms. Marie stroked Arabella's hair.

"Back to reality tomorrow. Nick will be home, and I must go to Edinburgh with him on Monday and Tuesday for some PR. I know I'm not needed for rehearsals until Wednesday."

Arabella broke the ensuing silence. "I know it's none of my business, but you made it clear that your relationship is not what people think it is. You want to tell me?"

"Bella, nobody knows we are anything other than that loving golden couple, adored by the press. But I agree you do have the right to know.

I told you I worked in a bar to help me pay my way while I was at university in Stockholm.

I met a woman there, ten years older than me, and she made me realise that I am bisexual. I was so happy and felt free for the first time in my life. I wanted my parents to share in my joy, but they put up a wall, and simply refused to acknowledge anything I had to say."

"But I thought Sweden was one of the most tolerant societies to be found anywhere."

"It is, but it doesn't apply to everyone. My parents are catholic, which is rare in Sweden. I was brought up as one, and my parent's disapproval made me question myself, and I withdrew from Kerstin. She couldn't believe the reason was religion, she was naturally the other type of Swede, and she was so furious that she left me. And then I studied in Hamburg and kept myself to myself. I was so busy and so happy singing rather than being a biology teacher, which is what my parents expected of me, that I needed nobody. To avoid suspicion, I can't help my looks and men fall for me, I had to flirt a bit with some male students, but I never let it be anything more than a one-night stand, and even that didn't happen often. I was much more interested in some of the girls, but none of them came on to me, so that was that. Then I won the prize at the Cardiff Singer of the World representing Sweden, and was taken up by an agent, who found me so much work, I didn't have time anyway. I moved to London to be close to my agency."

"And Nick?"

"I was doing a sponsorship gala in Paris. He speaks French, and he was compering it. We got talking during the rehearsals. I liked him, but mostly I liked his looks. We were photographed a few times, and then the rumours about a romance started in the magazines. We met up back in London. His agent set up a photographer to catch us having dinner. The press coverage escalated. One evening Nick came to my apartment. He asked me how I felt about a business arrangement, which would benefit us both. He was right. The publicity had my offers of work quadruple.

What did I have to lose? I wasn't interested in anybody. I didn't dare to look for the relationship I would really like to have, so I agreed. He said it meant marriage in order to get the most out of the whole thing. My parents were visiting from Stockholm, and met him, and were ecstatic. At least my mother was. I caught my father's sceptical look a couple of times, but when Ulrike Nyman gets the bit between her teeth, there is no stopping her. I was too overworked to argue so we got married six years ago. I bought the Richmond house, and we moved in."

"And you never had sex with him?"

Marie hesitated. "A couple of times, on our honeymoon. Not since then. He thinks I'm asexual, or at best frigid."

"And you have never told him about your feelings for women?"

"No. Nick is a bit of a gossip, especially when he has had a few. He would never talk about our own lack of a physical relationship, it would make him look bad, but I don't trust him not to blab if he knew about my attraction to women."

"And would it be so terrible if it came out?"

"Yes...yes it would. I couldn't cope with the unravelling of our tangle of lies."

"But it's no big deal these days to love your own sex, especially in the theatre world. Look at Suzanne."

Marie sighed impatiently. "Suzanne is the opera world's leading gay icon. She is untouchable. But you wouldn't believe some of the snide comments I've heard behind her back. Often motivated by envy I've no doubt. I just can't face the thought. And then there are still my parents, or at least my mother, who asks once a week when they can expect grandchildren. And she idolises Nick, without knowing him of course. You have seen his other side. I told you I'm a coward. Maybe it would all be different if I had a grandmother like yours, but I have no support system. I will have to continue in the closet."

She turned to take Arabella's face in her hands. "It's not fair on you, but I must be truthful. It can't be any other way between us."

"OK. Let's make the most of tonight then." Arabella rolled over on top of her and they took their time, revelling in each other's bodies, until they fell asleep.